at my small moments I was wondering at the gushing flood waters of river ghaghar whilst sitting at its earthen banks trees with roots twisty twirly was asking me too many words
but all in micro-waves I tried a lot
but only today I could catch the meanings
may be tomorrow I shall say the same
I know the momentum of universe some inside me it fetches replies to what I struggle hard day and night
when I got fused up I retire to your love
in shades of heavy canopy trees heats making the romance of life
I know fits and misfits of the worlds around
I give a damn to it
when the bullshit if and whats got finished up
I search and surf my moments at hand as if you are residing at my heart live and throbbing
the hrs change to seconds I wonder If at all I need something else
I know the worldly affiliations that shall drive the final shoot
I was reading a research presentation of loneliness
the gist which the author depicted is as follows:-
the perception quotient and quality of relationship i.e the quotient of proximity of relationship decides how far one can be affected by this vicious malaise of modern times
socialite is not at all a remedy
the relationship closeness on benevolence cardinals is the key to success.
well!!! its a part of psychology but psychiatry has different conotations
when we are in our mother womb all such vacuums suffered by the monther are transferred to the child
the formative stage has a little role to play barring the extreme cases of abuse or distortions etc eg a prisoner of war etc.
but this has no escape route
we shall have to negotiate
sometimes obsessions do serve a better part to thrive but as the very title indicates , its only a make shift alternative
is that sufferings and more sufferings is the only way
probably yes for millions of the hearts around
psychotherapy does serve a part of solution provided it gets continued over a real very large part of life
shapes may be many
work alcoholism, creative-ism in any form, obsessions of traveling and sports etc
but the truth is all such activities are not cost effective and every one can't afford on financial terms
many of the ibid alternatives are not accepted by the system ,so called the society or the groups etc etc
is there no solution at all
probably yes
but if one can change the perception by force full methods of self allusion it's practically re-incarnation whilst in the same life span
its horrible if one can understand
but tough achievements do come at a horrible price tag
where is that exotic beauty probably every heart looks for all the personal seconds available
is that love suffices the definitions of that
but the if is what love constitutes if at all it happens to be around
is that loving a beauty or loving self or contrarily the outer live or otherwise environs
is love is that bullshit god who is known to the least
I was running my pencil too sharp to conclude my this day noting interpreting what constitutes a breach of contract and related legal nuances why the law is always blind and the damn corruption rampant to the nerves
but my fingers have their own brain as they never right beyond what is expected from an enlightened bureaucrat
but my heart lost somewhere not at all related to the job I was absorbed at
my fellow friends did try their best to distract me but I didn't stop the work unfinished
at the fag end I simply whispered!!!!\ yes!!! you were saying something
whether this something is really known to me or hell bullshit philosophy I write day and night
to find the exotic love nonetheless beauty in any form
I looked straight my friends were smiling at me and I did match their mood
I am listening to a female heart centric song " how shall I beautify my eye lashes with black pencil- English translated thought of a Punjabi folklore."
my heart asks me how the hell!! its not your way of life
but probably it has forgotten once you remember a heart beyond it becomes of your own
my system says come on lets go to bed its already early morning hrs
me a die hard I know the conflicts shall never see eye to eye to my reality crunch
probably I have got accustomed to the eccentric nerves at my heart brain too
but who am I I ask too much of me as if you ask me through the medium of unseen
I have completely resiled to what is happening with no evolution at the psyche
does it mean I shall leave the concept of development
I was discussing the other day the ultimate truth surrounding us
I constrained myself to put the reality in too horrific way
if we combine whole of the know how of the world in one go and mix it with the spiritual aspects of life
the output is something really soul stirring
its a fact we exist in two basic forms the bio multi complex and the plasmatic entity
the later part has its own independent energy level it grows with the strengthening of the soul a soul practically gets more stronger in tune with the interlocution quotient
but the process is endless
so is the biological process except one thing the bio is finite in nature whilst the plasmatic isn't
but where is the process /entity of our Nature/supreme power/god
its somewhere inbetween the plasmatic entity and the basic fundamental forces of universe
the psychiatric aspects of happiness , self realisation/actualisation are something more complex at their inception level the bio driven cardinals are steerable throughscientific world but the plasmatic entity cannot be controlled /steered by scientific aspect.
its where the para-sceintific play a crucial role
so do we need to develop upon these factors as far development is concerned
probably yes as its a truth that lives with us beyond the entity of space and time
AmritaPritam a Punjabiat writer has a short novel as her jewel ; it's known/entitled as " madidadya" in chaste punjabi
story moves like this: leading male character who is well educated of the time line falls in love with the leading heroine who as pressurised by the system decides to marry a person according to her parents/clan likes etc. The constraints depicted are real life time and mind stirring. She puts her best to convince the lover to forget her and have a real thought on the constraints. But she as well as the lead charachter both understand that love has taken real roots in their inner psyche. The lead male character dies after a long life of pains and dejections. One day the beloved takes a earthern "dya"/=candle ; get it lit and slowly moves on and on til she reaches the site where he is buried unceremoniously. She could not stop her tears and faints almost at the reality lit large.
the novel is heart stopping
I do not know reading punjabi but English version is some times constrained with exact translation and cache of the thoughts.
it 's not the time to get up but your thoughts have made me rise and make the pad run
today morning hrs are extremely important as a meeting is already scheduled which I have to attend as obligatory official duty. I tried to make preparations for it in the evening itself
but probably your vaccum at my heart put a stop to all the stuff at my hand
but I don't want to become a "madidadya"
however the reality is dragging me towards that only
today as the army discipline takes sharp on closing the office die hard souls like me they simply pack up just like you can't sit in a theatre after the show end
way back Pines on VijayChowk looked more robust showers make the greens look romantic
one of them did ask me stay with me I'll give you a better company and heart too
I smiled with no steps short of my intentions but I did recall their emotional equations togetherness and affiliations put together
plants are more related to each other as advanced sciences prove to us of late
humanes are least affiliated they go for the conveniences of concepts like security,norms,protocol,systems etc including ofcourse the well known aspects of money etc
but today Pines did put a change at my heart
I felt more alone with the crowd around
probably my affiliations towards you , are going stronger and more as the day passes I do know the reasons : but since its a whirlpool I try to remain cool at heart
soon I felt I am creating more vanity at heart by taking your absence in the crowds as a die hard fact
but truth was too evident in spoiling my mood
you can say my writing habit is a tool to alleviate my mood nonetheless
but I fall to another vacuity later on
as the system accustomed heart hardly depend on obsessions
in metro beauties are all around
I did ask why don't you focus on these ones they are as live as shipps is
I simply got jostled
by the fact it meant loosing you out of my inner psyche
I am having black tea its good today I got it from Naval Canteen
I picked a lot stuff some were meant for you
I asked for a bag but they said it has been stopped as of now
I dropped whole of the stuff and handpicked only the tea
I was not bothered I knew I can't give that stuff to you
I was strolling my way on VijayChowk drizzling made people run but I was enjoying like a romantic movie
all around hilly odour reminded me a lot
I enjoy this as it gives me a feel closer to you
this moment its a better lot
I was just feeling not so good so I thought let's talk to you
sometimes it feels like so good but I don't know why its so momentarily
today I was lazy at work probably I will get momentum tomorrow
I generally keep the pending work load just in front of me as if some waive length comes that makes me understand the issue at stake and ways and means to draft the reply
whilst at CAO office I was working in a different capacity its a heavy duty work over there too but at present my work is a lot lot more taxing
sometimes its so taxing I fail to get any idea how to start drafting reply
but I am a real hard worker when I start I run my pencil so fast that my seniors simply don't believe the speed but they do express their delighted mood at my expertise
one day I was detailed to a global meet on 4th generation of warfare
I asked my boss if he wants a short analysis of what was focused in the symposium he replied yes ofcourse;
my short and lucid way of writing evoked his wonderful ways of expressions
do you know what he said " Sir Ahuja- you're a genius par excellence"
I smiled and saw your face well printed on my cerebellum
my scintillating emotion engaging you in real world fetches two things on calculable scale
your ghost makes my time negotiable, relevant, pulsating and worth living particularly on sats , sundays and every evening hrs
it also brings the magnetic storms of stuff who feel male and female relations are primarily driven by sex instincts
I have clearly wrote so many times that its a hard fact love and sex has no relationship at all
probably its Greek to all except the blessed souls around
love makes you see live the bliss of Nature lit large you're comfortable even at 50+ C and 20 - C most barren and desolate places look wonderful and relevant making the life your own moments
this is not at all present at the other factor
love is omniscient, omnipresent, ever lasting beyond the scale of time and space
well!! love is most of the time one way traffic only
you'll wonder what is this nonsense: you want to tell me
probably you need extra effort to understand this
our existential world/including the cosmic spiritualistic world is run by two basic forces :
momentum and system : this is relevant in all faculties and fields of knowledge and tech
its dynamic equilibrium makes the real life; generally visible to us
in case of love
this equilibrium is too hostile and volatile
so the blessed souls can sustain such a rough and high sea
hours of today a different stuff with me I am not that mystic
went down a few steps I hardly do marketing Defence Canteen suffices my purpose but that too I visit too rare people on the other side of counter they know me by my official status every other week I am detailed for inspection whilst inspecting the stock I hardly forget you
you'll wonder what for
I look at the cosmetics and curse the Almighty why you're not with me there is hell of stuff meant for you at least I shall have my own moments having some of the exotics
you remember one day whilst you were running your fingers to locate your official data
I was standing confronting you looking and searching in your eyes what's there that magnetises me
you chose only to observe me like me I am too introvert but you should have provoked me to come out of this habit
I am capable of sophisticated converse this time my boss gave me 10 out 10 for capability to communicate in My ACR for period ending March 2009. I just stopped asking my Military boss probably you should have written my ACR
he often stops short asking who is that heart for whom I remain lost all the time with me
One day he did get the nerves and asked what you like to do at such sort of life style
I said you just look at my website : you'll will know my world of wonders
sometimes he gives me oblique reference of yours why don't you go and see her
I remain reply less
he whispers: shall I call her : give me her number if you don't have one : I can arrange from my Army hierarchy
I just smile he knows the depth so he feels constrained to ask further
but he did say yesterday before proceeding on one month leave
AHUJA Sir: I want to help you sincerely
I again smiled instead asked Sir, give me some tips which you want should be my focus point for works in your absence
he looked straight into my eyes became serious : I am a person in dress but don't you forget I know the pains of your heart
I again smiled he shook hands and said: OK !! we'll meet after a few days
I have chosen a moment my eyes are in fact bio-driven fainting reasons are my psychiatric medicine has got on full stream by this time your vacuum at my heart your poor choice in rejecting me bad nerves at your whelms in deciphering the good heart going for system driven psychological constrained decision
but the biggest suspense is whether one day your decision shall change the tides and sides together
fathomless part is whether I write to entice you in a psychological magnetic syndrome to shift the sides
well!! one day you shall be in my world of happenings
my dropping eyes seem to say like that only my FM is airing such songs only
truth, reality and future may be hidden on the other part of horizon my heart is struck to you it's sad at your decision making my eyes more dropping and me finding hard to write my thoughts
but what shall happen If my longing for your love is high jacked by constraints of reality
my brain says hell!! with your bullshit philosophy please let me sleep It's difficult to sing a song for ever
and me the die hard still struggle to keep awake with little of eyes opened running my pad to paint your world as of mine
a few seconds earlier I was talking to my niece hooked to her cell at Bombay Ironically she only, took the initiative to ring me up
I am very slow whilst talking thro' my heart sometimes its that slow like, as if I'm too deep at soul
I was searching your profile pictures simultaneously as the gaps of converse were too big seconds wise
but I do all the time yarn for your call
I tell you one thing my voice at cell is extraordinary sweet and touching to the heart if you find enough courage talk to me you will have one of greatest wonder of the world
but I will be too slow while talking
I have a question at my brain what shall I talk to you
I write so much for you Its more than that of a Doctorate degree at all the fields of know how put together
you must be aghast at your heart
who the hell this stuff happens to be around
but one day it will be more than Kalidas "Abhigyanshakuntalum" and Tagore's "Gitanjali"
but that day is too mystic to myself
time may retire but I shall keep my pen/pad running in finding Daffodils from thy love
day and night together
